A Van Awesome Journey
Hi thanks for finding my blog! I am a wife of an awesome husband and proud mother to two amazing boys. I just quit my job to stay at home with our children and now have all the time in the world to play play play!!! Play with my children and play some games of my own...hence this blog. I entered a contest to be part of an Adventure Race something I have never done before. So I am required to blog weekly on my journey...so here goes..thanks for sharing it with me :).................So what has started out as a blog for reasons mentioned above has now continued into an on going journey that I have been asked to continue to share...and you with me! So thanks for coming along for the ride :)
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
The GOOD, the BAD and the AWESOME!
Just a warning ahead of time that this post is very detailed and may be disturbing to some people. No I'm not being funny I just want to prepare you ahead of time :) Ok so where to start!?....I guess where I left off eh! Lets start with the GOOD ~ So I was pregnant with my 3rd child and feeling awesome! I was still out almost everyday even into my 8th month where the only type of exercise I could do and get out to do was walking. I would leave 10-15min early to get the two boys at the bus and walk up and down the street. Everything was going fine until 2 weeks before he came......now for the BAD ~ I started feeling that things were not right, mostly mentally. I know they talk about prego brain but it was starting to effect how I was able to take care of myself and my children. At my doctors visits I noticed that I kept dropping in weight, something I knew was not right OR good since I should have been gaining half a pound to a pound a week at the end there. I would sit for 2hrs at a time in my home looking out the window not talking, no TV on nothing through the day on my own in silence (totally NOT like me!). Then I would get so tired I would 'crash' and go sleep for like 3hrs...so that's 5hrs and I hadn't remembered to eat or take some water and who knows how long before that I had done it. I started getting worried that I would forget the kids at the bus so I had to ask friends and family to come at 3pm and give the kids snack and be there until my husband got home...it was just becoming too much of a safety issue!! What was happening was that I had developed Post-partum Depression...I had NO idea that you could get this before the baby came! Now as a teenager I had delt with depression and therefore knew where this road lead too (an experience which would now safe me and the baby's life!) I could just feel this 'fog' coming over me and I was in the background yelling to get out, but the fog was getting thicker and I was getting weaker to fight it. It all came to a head in my 37th week where on the Mon I had said to the doctors and my husband and family that although I am sitting in the chair out of it and crying and not myself I am NOT thinking about hurting me or the baby.......then on Thurs night I didn't recognize the feeling (cause it was to random and I didn't get this with my other two kids) but I started having contractions, which would wake me up at night. Now the only thing thru all this that was helping me JUST keep my head above water was that I slept like a rock at night and during my naps during the day....now that was gone :/........So on the Fri night I was up and pacing around the house while everyone was sleeping and the 'voices/chatter/noise' in my head was getting really loud and I just wanted to pull my hair out and scream. Then a little voice of reason said, "Well no you can't do that you'll wake up everyone!".....that's when I realized that the voice of reason was getting weaker and I questioned myself how much longer I was going to be able to 'fight' against this. My c-section was set for that Thurs, however on the next morning (Sat) I said to my husband that I understood why women would step in front of a train to make this end, "REALLY!" was his surprised answer, which caught my attention and that's when I realized things were NOT going in the right direction. I had gone from, "I'm not thinking of hurting myself" to "I understand why some one would end it!" NOT COOL!!!....Sun morning I woke up with a pain on my side that went away pretty fast (another contraction, but I still didn't realize it) I was trying to talk myself into making it to Thurs when the 'baby date' was set but I couldn't even think of going through another night let alone 3 more days. At this point I was now into my 38th week. So after talking with my hubby we packed my bag and went to the hospital, I was NOT going to leave until they helped me and I felt that taking the baby out was going to do that. I prayed all the way there that I could find the words to explain to them what was going on with me and asked God for the energy and brain power to get through this as I knew it was going to take a lot of energy I wasn't sure I had. When I got there I right away started telling the nurse JUST what was going on. I was not embarrassed to sound 'crazy' at all I had to fight for me, my kids and this baby. I had the Crisis Nurse in tears as I said to her, "Listen I know I am speaking well and asking for help and it LOOKS like I am dealing with this well, but I'm telling you it's not heading in the right direction! YOU NEED TO HELP ME!I have an awesome husband, 2 amazing kids and amazing life and I am NOT willing to check out on them mentally OR physically right now and I can't guarantee I won't do that right now. YOU NEED TO HELP ME!!!!"......ok now for the AWESOME~ They were looking at putting me in the Physic ward to keep me and the baby safe until the Thurs because they wanted to keep the baby in for as long as they can, but 2 miracle's happened. 1. It just happened that my family doctor happen to be in the hospital seeing another patient....when I heard that I kid you not I felt Gods hand on my left shoulder and something say to me, "It's going to be ok, you did the leg work to get here I'll take it form here"..I knew that my doctor would help and advocate for us and that's just what she did. The second miracle was that as I got up to go to the bathroom I felt one of those 'pains' again I paused for a moment and the nurse asked if I was ok. I said it was ok, just the baby moving and hurting me (which is what I had thought those pains were) "Really!!" was her surprised reaction...which caught my attention again. Then I started putting things together. I asked them to hook me up to the monitor and 10min later it was confirmed that I was having contractions and because I am high risk for a natural birth they were now going to have to do the c-section that day, "THAT'S THE BEST FUCKING NEWS I HAVE HEARD IN 2 WEEKS!!!!" I said to the nurse! LOL! (sorry for the F bomb but trust me it was fitting)......So it's funny cause the number 3 has always been my lucky number and because this all happened and the baby came early I ended up having my 3rd son,on the 3rd day of March (the third month) 2013!!!! His birthdate is 03/03/13! Crazy eh!! To help me get some sleep and for them to keep an eye on my because they were not sure if I would be ok after I had the baby they took him to the nursery for the night. I tell you I opened my eyes the next morning ME!! I was back! The fog was 100% gone! I even thought to myself, "I'm back! Oh thank God, I missed me, I like me!!" LOL! So here I am happy and well with my sweet 7lb 10oz Landon Van Awesome Ok SO lets start that all over again.....first the GOOD ~ I had him on the Sun evening and on Wed afternoon we were sent home after the doctors and Pyshic doctor all approved it....I knew I would be fine mentally after the baby was out and I was right (thank goodness!)......So here I am on the Fri with Landon in the sling for the first time. The weather was beautiful that day and the big kids were biking out front so I took some time to get some fresh air and exercise and walk up and down in front of our house. Physically and mentally I was feeling SO great and excited about my family's future......Now for the BAD ~ That weekend I ended up getting a sinus infection it hit me so hard AND I had a new born that I didn't get myself to the walk in for antibiotics (plus I'm not one to get sick too much and didn't really know how bad this could be/get) after a really sucky week of having to lay around and get better I started feeling like it was going away...on the Fri I even went out grocery shopping with the baby just to get out for a short while. Then on the Sat night I woke up and could feel strep throat coming on (I know that feeling cause I have had it a few times) "NO NO NO forget this, I'm going to the walk in for some Meds!" I told hubby so I left him with the 3 kids (which he handled just fine and that is why he is Mr. Van Awesome!) My Mom took me to the walk-in and I got the meds in me that day.....by the Mon evening I was feeling better and even took my oldest to his Beaver group just so get a chance to get out of the house.....Tues morning (4 weeks after having Landon) hubby got the big kids off to school and left for work. I sat up to nurse the baby and noticed that I was sore on the left side of my abdomen on the inside and I felt like I had a fever. As I sat there feeding him I could feel blood starting to pour out of my vagina, A LOT of it!...so I put the baby down and went to the toilet where I saw that was coming out like water, "Oh this can't be good!" I thought. My Mom just happen to call and check in with me and I told her what was going on. She was heading into Toronto for an appointment but turned right around and came to help me...which was good cause I was just trying to figure out what I should do and had thought of calling 911 for some help. My Mom took care of the baby and drove us both to my family doctor...where my doctor tried to see what was going on with the specula but there was too much blood. As she took it out of me she had to hold her hand under it as the blood poured off of it as she brought it to the sink. She then had to use her fingers to see if she could feel what was wrong. I laid on the bed screaming and crying in pain as she tried to do that and the only thing that came from that was that it hurt for her to touch the most on the left side where I was sore. She wanted a some more advice as to what could be wrong so she sent me to the GYNO that I had been seeing. Now I'm not going to say his name because I think I caught him on a bad day or something because he was so great when I used him for my last 2 kids, and I will be writing a letter into him in hopes that he won't do this to another woman.......At this point the pain inside is getting worse, I have to sit leaning to the right side and can't walk very well so I was laying on the exam bed when he came in the room. "How's it going?" he asked. "Yeah not good!" I said....he looked at my file and asked how the antidepressants were going. I let him know that the PPD was no longer an issue, I didn't take any and all that has cleared up now. He then asked if I was breast feeding, I explained that I was and that NO the blood was not period blood. He then went on to ask me why my family doctor had not set up an ultra sound or called to talk to him instead of his secretary. All I could reply was, "I don't know"....he didn't examine me at all, he didn't even touch me or take my temperature!! I was suggesting things to him that it might be and his only response was, "Well I don't know, I'll have to set up an ultra sound"....so my Mom was packing up the baby and we were getting ready to leave when his secretary handed us the paper and said, "Ok I set up your ultra sound appointment for tomorrow at 2:30pm" WAIT! WTF!!!! My Mom and I just stared at her while I had a vision of me laying in bed at home bleeding out, shivering with fever and whatever was going on inside was getting worse and dying on my family at home in our bed. NO WAY!!!! I called the doctor out of the other exam room he was in and said, "Ok the only way that I can get an ultra sound right now is to go to emerg right?!"...."Well yeah" He said.....so off we went to Emerg. When they heard what my symptoms were I didn't wait more then 5min in the waiting room. They had me in, tested and ultra sounded. It turns out that I had a blood clot and infection on my uterus wall and if I hadn't been on the antibiotics from 2 days ago for the strep it would have been life threatening!!! Wholly shit!! That's just a little too close for comfort! That week I stayed on the meds but they were not helping, I still had the fever and I couldn't get off the couch, I wasn't getting better. So the next week I was put on a strong med which started helping me, but on day 4 I woke up having an allergic reaction to the meds!! REALLY! REALLY!!! I was starting to not feel so positive about things at this point and this whole thing was really starting to take it's toll on me emotionally as I am NOT the type of person were crappy thing after crappy thing keeps happening....so I had to stop them and I was back at the doctors the next day.....her suggested course of treatment from that day is working and from that day on the major medical issues have stopped happening so that's really refreshing!......Ok now for the AWESOME ~ First I just want to say that Landon (baby awesome) has been fine through all this. He was born at 7lbs 10oz and on his 1mth check up he weight in at 10lb 13oz so the child is growing! He has been a shining light for me to cuddle and hold as I have been laying on the couch/bed/lazy boy through all of this. Next, for the last, now going on 8 weeks amazing family and friends that heard about what was happening have been coming to help us. They have been coming to take care of the big kids, bringing them gifts and craft things to keep them busy, taking them for play dates and staying into the evening when hubby had to work late to give them a bath and put them to bed. They have been helping me. Some morning I had to text for help to just get out of bed in the morning and within that hour they were at my house helping me and taking care of me and the baby. They have been bringing food and groceries and snacks and meals to us...I just can't believe it!...and they are STILL doing it!!...A Moms group that I'm apart of on Facebook set up a meal train for us at mealtrain.com where people sign up each day to they will be bringing you a meal and what it will be!!...I never knew there was such a thing! Some of these woman I have never met face to face and only know through seeing their name on Facebook! The kindness is over whelming....at one point I answered the door and there stood a lady who introduced herself as Kelly. She then said, "Hi! I don't cook but I know that you are healthy so I brought you this fruit try" WHAT!!! OMG!! How amazing was that!, and how did she know I am healthy??!.....It has been a very strange experience for me to hand over my home and children to other people to care for 100%...I had no choice I couldn't do it. I simply sat in awe on the lazy boy chair while these woman and men came into my home,did my dishes my laundry and other chores and ran errands for me...I couldn't believe this was happening and I was SO over whelming grateful for it as they were helping me take care of the most priceless things in my life when I couldn't..my family......And my husband is so grateful for the help too as he has been burning the candle at both ends with trying to go to work, take care of me, take care of the baby the bigs kids and the house...the poor man is So tired and he doesn't stop trying to do it all xo <3. So I know it has been a long story and I thank you for reading to the end. I do have to say that I am really thankful to have goon through all this. I know that sounds strange but it has only made me and my family better for it. Allowing all this love and support into our lives and accepting it has been an amazing experience. This has changed me on the inside for the better and I pray often to God that moving forward I stay open to the love and support that people want to give me, because I have learned that it becomes a win win situation and all parties involved walk away from it better for it and feeling more connected to each other... So in the end we all get to live in our awesome together! xo <3