It's the action that counts!

So!....I once heard, "We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions". I find myself sometimes going there these days. I am judging myself by what I am thinking and feeling, rather then what I am REALLY doing. So as I was out biking with a ladies group tonight I thought about going home writing a list of what I have DONE not what I have thought about it....so here goes......I DID show up for the bike ride (even though I thought of not going)....I DID make it up every hard long hill (even thought I though about getting off and walking)......I DO take care of my body by getting some sleep (even though some days I don't feel to worthy).....I DO let ALL my kids know how awesome they are daily (even thought I feel over whelmed with the responsibility of them).......I DO make a healthy good dinner for the family (even though by the end of the day I am so tired and done I can't think straight)........I DO go to bed with the thought of, "I'll try again tomorrow (even though I feel that some days were just a write off).....I DO keep finding ways to stay in motion (even thought I'm so tired I'm dizzy and I don't really look forward to it right now)....I DO keep getting back on the bike (even thought my Va-j-j screams at me PLEASE NO!!) ....WOW!! Ok that's pretty awesome!...there seems to be some pretty awesome things I'm doing right now.....what do you DO despite what you are thinking? Hope you're living in YOUR Awesome today!

Getting committed....

SO! I'm getting committed now! I have signed myself up for the Try-Tri distance at Kelso in Sept!!! EEEKKKK!!!... I know that signing up for a race is something that is helpful to help me stay in motion. I was just thinking about it too much and fear and self doubt was starting to creep in again. I have learned in the past that the best way to deal with that is just make a decision and move on!! So signing up for the race was me making the decision to keep and stay in motion and that's that!! I'm not sure what race day will look like but I'm just going to be taking it a day at a time anyways. Each week I am finding I am able to do more with less physical problems. Plus I am continuing to work closely with my medical team to ensure that everything I am doing is ok.....So as I registered I had a smile on my face as I typed in my race name 'Gail Van Awesome'! LOL! I love hearing them call that name as I cross the finish line :D.....SO! Van Awesome is BACK!!! I might not be as fast, as hardcore or as able as I once was but I have come to learn that 'VanAwesome' is my spirit, my attitude and my love for the life I have and the people in it...everything else is extra awesome! Hope you are living in YOUR Awesome today

Kicking PPD's a$$

Ok so! it's been interesting around here for sure. I have had some Post-partum depression issues coming up for me and things have become more challenging then normal. I am very lucky to have such awesome people in my life who are supporting me...one main one being my hubby Mr. VanAwesome. Often he has taking on a lot more then normal around here and with 3 kids in tow :D xoxo........The best way I can explain it is that the first voice that is in my head these days is the one that says, "I don't want to do that!" OR "Don't do it" OR "Just stop, just quit"...so I have to mentally battle past that first reaction to get down to the awesome thoughts of, "Let's do this!" OR "It's going to be awesome", "I love doing this!!"....I see how important it was for me to have set up such a ridge routine these last 3 years as I find myself still going through the motions even as I am thinking about how I don't want to do this...so I'll be heading out for another round on the bike and not wanting to, but doing it anyways or thinking about how I really want some crappy junk food right now but instead I am standing in the kitchen cutting up the veggies for a salad! LOL!....It's strange for me right now that my 'insides' don't match my 'outside' and that is a condition that I don't like, so I am taking it one day at a time. Some days I get tired of the battle, on those days the PPD kicks my ass and on other days I kicks it's, but my plan is to be at the winning end in the long run :D It's been really helpful to have the Mommy's/Babe's in Motion team to Coach on the Tues nights. It forces me to get out of my head, help others and get in motion...things that are the hardiest to do some days but end up helping me feel the best in the end. Like the other Tues night I was so tired and so down and just wanted to sit and cry... I felt like if I started crying I would never stop through. I went out to Coach the team and didn't want to break down in front of everyone...so I just kept my head down and started to bike with them, after awhile of biking, sweating and breathing hard and talking with and helping the other girls I felt awesome again...I was even able to run (I've been cleared to run now by my Pelvic floor therapist) it felt SO good to run and BOY did the baby fat on my ass juggle!!! Wholly shit!! It was just flapping in the wind I couldn't believe it, all I could do was laugh as I ran and it felt good to laugh and run!! I even went home after and ran again for another 20 mins....I ran and cried and ran some more...I wasn't sure why I was crying...because it felt so good to run again...because I'm sad about feeling sad?...not sure, but the main point was that I wasn't sitting at home 'in' it any more...I was out doing something about it...and the other good news was that I did stop crying in the end, went home had a shower and an awesome night sleep!...so for now the sweat and tears will clean where the shower can't reach. I hope you are living in YOUR Awesome today!!

Part of the group again...

So I must say that one of the times that I have found the hardest is when I go Coach on Tues nights the 70+ awesome woman of Mommy's/Babe's in Motion and they go out and bike and I have had to sit in the parking lot waiting for them to get back. I don't feel part of and I am missing out on being able to help these ladies while they are out there. WELL!! 2 weeks ago I brought my bike out to join them!!!...we were doing hill repeats on a really hard hill so I figured that I would just bike out with the ladies to the top of the hill, be there for them and bike back with them. I was so excited and nervous about it all day I couldn't stop thinking about it!! So I made it out to the hill and felt pretty good so I decided to do one hill and if I couldn't make it back up I would get off the bike and walk it up....as I was going up the hill and gearing down and feeling the burn in my legs the saying, "It's not going to be easy, it's going to be worth it" came to mind....so I kept peddling. When I got to the top I felt tired, sweat and out of breath...it was awesome!! LOL!!...after sitting to rest for a bit and talking with the team about how to gear properly going up hill I felt rested enough to do another hill!!...and so I did, as I got to the top again I started to cry because it felt so good to be doing something hard again and pushing myself through it. It makes me feel able, powerful, accomplished and of course awesome!! I thanked Scott at the top of the hill telling him that there was no way I could have done that on my old bike, the gears on the new bike are awesome and did a lot of the work for me that I couldn't do right now. Something else I was missing that I didn't even know about until I was able to do it again....I LOVE going down hill fast!!! I LOVE the the feeling...just like I am a kid again...so I always yell out WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!! or HEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAW!!!! as I go down it feels so awesome and makes me smile....just loved being able to hoot and yell again about enjoying something as I do it!! Hope you are living in YOUR Awesome!

Who is beside who?!

So the reason why I started this whole 'lets get up and be active and healthy' thing was so that I could be there beside my children in their life as they were active too. In June 2010 for the Moon in June race this is when it hit me that I had reached and was living my goal. My oldest, Nicholas who was 3.5yr at the time and I ran in the kids 1k race. I had tears running down my cheeks as we started the race running hand in hand and I looked down at him and saw his big smile as we ran along. Then in 2011 I was there again with Nicholas beside him as he had his first Triathlon experience....now recently as I am working myself back up I see something different happening. When I did my first race after having the baby a few weeks back Nicholas asked if me could join me on the 5.6k walk...

so along he came and we passed the finish line together...when I head over to my Moms in some evenings he to get in some swimming he comes along with me

.....and on my first bike ride he heard that I was going out and asked if he could come along...since I was just looping around my street I said "Sure"...in fact it was really nice to have him there as it gave me someone to talk to as I did my first ride and was a good distraction from the fear I was feeling....after that ride I thanked him for coming along with me and told him it ment a lot......that's when I thought to myself....'Who is really beside who now?' Hope you are living in YOUR awesome today!

Living through your stories :)

So recently I have had a few e-mails, messages, posts from other people sharing with me their stories of how they are living in their awesome. I just can't tell you how much this helps me these days! I love reading about how someone has committed to being healthy and active and finding anyway to follow through on that and since there is many things I am unable to do right now I enjoy hearing how others are doing it and how they feel so awesome afterwards...I live through that story....for instance here was a recent post....."Gail I just wanted to share with you ~ I went to bed last night and set my alarm for 5:15. My plan, to get up and go for a bike ride this morning (I hurt my foot this week and biking is the only cardio I can manage right now). So, the alarm goes off, I get up. I look outside and see rain...I stop, I think, I go back to bed. And then YOU showed up in my head!! LOL! All I could think was "that's not what Gail would do". So, I got up, got dressed and went out and had an awesome ride, in the refreshing rain! Thanks Gail!"....isn't that AWESOME!!! As I read this I had tears in my eyes as I smiled and I was 'feeling it' with her. I know it's not so 'awesome' when the weather is crappy and you just want to crawl into your nice warm bed again....but to follow through on your commitment to yourself is a great gift! I also imagined it was me out on that bike in the rain with the water wiping me in the face and dripping off my helmet. Riding through puddles and feeling the water splash up my legs and the spray from the back tire giving me a mud strip up my butt and back...oh yeah baby!! I LOVE IT!!! (in fact the above picture is of me out on my bike during the rain doing puddle 'repeats' 2 summers ago! LOL!...felt like a kid again!)....For a brief moment I was there with her and that to me right now is priceless. So I am so grateful for her taking the minute to post that to me and share her awesome moment.....now in the post she thanks me, but I didn't do anything!! SHE was the one who decided that doing it was going to happen and SHE made it happen. If there's something that I learn from this it's that I was 'on her radar' and that is why she thought of me in order to help her get up.....so going forward I will be sure to keep people who are committed to an active healthy life style on my 'radar' too...seems with a combination of commitment from self and having someone 'in your head' helps keep things moving....I mean there is another way this could have gone right!...maybe something like this..."I looked out saw it raining and went back to bed...then YOU were in my head and I thought this is not what Gail would do....and then I thought to myself....aww fuck what Gail would do, so I went back to bed" !! LOL!!.......So thank you Kathy for choosing to 'live in YOUR awesome' and sharing that with me...we will have to go for a bike ride in the rain together one day!! Hope you are living in YOUR awesome today!

Move, Rest, Recover....Repeat

So I must say things these days sure are going a lot slower then I am use to! From taking 50000 years to get out the door in the morning with all the kids to being able to fit in a swim, bike or walk. Man! if only I had realized before I had my third kid how much 'free time' I really did have I would have enjoyed it more! LOL!....it's all about perspective eh! So before, getting in 4-6 workouts/training sessions a weeks was no issue. I would wake up early or go in the evenings or if I only had a short amount of time I would just do a short hard workout. Well now I am unable to do that. With the baby up once a night to eat an early morning just isn't working for me now and having the kids all day I am wiped out and in bed at 7pm most nights. I also am not able to do a 'hard' workout in a short time as my body won't allow that right now....so what's a Mama to do?!!.....well just get MORE creative...us Mama's are good at that :D......I find I have to MOVE (workout or train) for a day or two then REST while my body RECOVERS and then REPEAT. So that means I have a few days of down time and I am not use to that, but I have to listen to my body (even when my mind is begging me to do more) I just can't take the chance! I have three awesome little boys I have to be able to keep up with for years to come. So this year is an important one! I have to build a strong body again....but do it SMART!! So my creative ways involve swimming circles around my Moms pool while the kids splash and play and sticking to 20min of biking around my streets....

which by the way I finally did on my new bike!!! and all I have to say about that new bike and it's awesome gears is that it's SWEET ASS!!!!!! LOL!!! OMG! I love it and I am really excited about getting back to my normal one day because I got plans for that bike! We are going to go places!! I even called Scott after I did my first ride on it to let him know just how sweet ass I thought it was LOL!....

of course the first thing I did before I got on the bike was take my pink ribbon that represents Meredith and put it on my new bike...I wasn't going to go without her. So I continue on as I move, rest, recover....repeat. I hope you are living in YOUR Awesome today!

My time....A tip!

So a little tip I have learned along the way as I have tried to fit in exercise and family. When I go for a walk/run on my own, I am sure to stay outside of the house while I do my stretches. I use to stop on the front lawn and do them before I went into the house, cause I found that as soon as I stepped in the house my kids would be on me about stuff and I would forget to stretch....however the kids now have caught onto this and come outside as soon as they see me! LOL! and I have noticed that with the nicer weather the neighbours are all sitting on their front porches....watching me! LOL!....so now I hide...oh I mean stop on the back path by my house and stretch just to make sure I get it in. I was proved right today as I came back from my walk and had stretched already... I was making my after workout smoothie and as soon as I hit the button on the smoothie maker my 4yr ran into the kitchen saying, "Can I have a smoothie too Mommy!??"...."Sure buddy!", so I wiped out all our reusable smoothie cups and made one for the 2 big kids, my hubby and me....a mothers work is never done LOL!

An obstacle is.......

An obstacle is what you see when you take your eyes off the goal :) I was thinking about this on my walk today. I feed the baby and put him down for a nap then checked in with hubby who was home to let him know that I was going for my walk and he was in charge of the three boys. So I set off with a goal in mind. To get in motion, and with the sun shining I knew that it was going to be awesome.....as I set off walking I cut thru a forest by my house. I try to walk/exercise in nature as much as I can cause I just feel that it gives me that extra boost. I had just entered the forest when up ahead I see a full tree had fallen across the path. I figured this was kinda funny, "Huh a tree is in my way" I thought. This is when I thought about obstacles being what you see when you take your eye off goal. So my goal that day was to get moving, get sweat, get some sun and live in my awesome. So I stopped at the tree and did standing push ups on it!! LOL!!....how smart is THAT!! I then ducked under it and kept going with a smile. That tree changed my whole walk! Now as I walked across the bridge I stopped and did some more standing push ups into a T reach....sweet now I'm getting an arm workout too!! In the end I walked about 5k, got sweaty, got some sun and felt awesome!!!! Goal accomplished!...no tree is going to stop me! LOL!! I hope you are living in your awesome today too!

Into action

Ok so it's been a big week around here. My first 'race' on Sat and my first bike ride on Wed. I finally just got tired of living in the fear and when people asked me if I had been on the bike yet I got tired of hearing myself say, "No, next week" So I went back to the basics and planned the day I was going to go and told people about it, because I know that I just can't go back and NOT do something after I have committed to it when it comes to being active. I had an idea in as to how it was going to go and of course it didn't go that way...instead it went just the way it was supposed to :) I had originally planned to go out with a girlfriend (another thing I did to ensure the ride would happen) but with 3 kids plans have to change a lot and sometimes at the last min, so I had to change the time and she wasn't able to join me then. Hubby was putting the little kids to bed and my 6yr heard me say to hubby that I needed my bike down to to go for a ride, "Can I come with you Mommy!?" he asked. I agreed that he could come since I was just doing loops around my street for 20min. I had to nurse the baby before I went out and Nicholas (my 6yr) sat beside me while I did. I told him that I was really excited that he was come with me, I explained that it was my first bike ride and that I was feeling really scared about it, "What do you think I should do about that buddy?" I asked. "Just breath" was his reply....I held back tears as I thanked him for the advise and realized in that moment though my own weakness I was teaching him how to be strong. So hubby got out the new bike and my heart was thumping so hard, the back tire was flat so hubby pumped it up for me. While we were doing this my 4yr saw us on the front lawn and came out, "Are you going on your bike Mommy?" he asked."Yes buddy I am" I told him..."yeah!! Mommies going on her bike!!" he yelled....my own little awesome cheerleading squad :) I hoped on the bike and started to go but hubby noticed that the back tire went flat again. So I got off and thought for a moment that this ride was not going to happen tonight....then the voice of awesome screamed loud and clear in my head....."You still have your old bike that's all tuned up and ready to go!!!" So hubby got it out for me... I tied back on the pink ribbon for Meredith to come along too and me and my son were off. I felt SO awesome! I thought I was going to be wobbly on the bike due to my weak core and back but I wasn't. As I rode down the street I could hear the wind in my ears and feel it on my face. "Woooo Hooo!!" I yelled out, I felt awesome!! We ended up doing 6 loops in the 20mins and I had to force myself not to go faster and further......"Just do this first ride the way you planned it Gail" I kept saying to myself...it was like trying to keep an excited child calm! LOL!.....I made sure that I concentrated on proper posture on the bike. Shoulders down, tail bone out, relaxed arms, but my the 4th loop my fingers were going numb because my core and back are currently too weak to hold myself up, so all my weight was on my hands.....not a good way to ride...but whatever! I did 6 loops!!!!....I thanked my son for joining me and told him how awesome it was that he was there with me. We did a high five and a hug before I stretched to ensure that I cooled down properly......after that I came in the door... took my running shoes off.... and cried. It felt so good to be into action again, even if it was just 6 loops, I plan to keep at it and will work on making those loops more and bigger :) I hope you are living in YOUR Awesome today!

Nothing left but fear....

So this Sun a friend that I meet over tweeter came to help me. Her name is Samantha Montpetit-Huynh and she is the owner of Core Expectations, she is a trainer who trains pre and post-natal woman and she is AWESOME!!....This girl knows what she is talking about, she shares the information very well and she loves what she does and it clearly comes across in her spirit....I fully trust her to help me take my post-baby body to the next level in a safe proper way...and that's just what I did.

I love 'living in the solution' and talking with and learning from Sam was just that. It was so fantastic because I easily understood what she was talking about, do to the knowledge and experience I have had in these last 4yrs. It continues to amaze me how becoming healthy and aware of my body has all these little side effects I never thought of....It's funny because although I know my body and different types of exercise, I learned that I can only 'train myself' so far. Sam suggested a few exercises to me that I didn't know about to do and she also suggested some ones that I did know AND should have been very obvious to me but I didn't think about them until Sam mentioned them...DUH!! LOL!....and that is why it's important to reach out and ask for help from others. I can't do it all on my own and an important lesson I have learned through all this is that trying to do it all on my own is lonely....because I am on my own! So my new attitude about asking for and accepting help is this...although I might be capable of doing things if someone offers to help me or join me, say YES!!! because then I don't have to do it alone! :-D So another reason I had Sam come was to just double check with another professional that I was ok to go ride on my bike. She said yes....it was funny cause as soon as she said that a voice in my head said, "Ah shit! now you got no reason, all that's left is the fear" I hope you are living in your awesome today!

An hour of awesome!

So today I decided to do my Physio outside on the deck in the sun, while the baby slept, it was a very awesome idea. I had my music going and it felt so good to get all hot and sweaty in the sun and cool off with every breeze that came by.It reminded me of the workouts I use to do with the Phat Chicks at the park...I miss those chicks.... I find it to be a type of meditation for me. It helps me to just slow down in my day and in my mind, things become clear for me as to what needs to be done AND I get my best ideas during this time too. I got another good idea in this hour, the only problem is that I didn't write it down right away and so my baby brain has taking it away and I can just remember having a good idea but not what it was!!! LOL!...oh dear!...ok next time I am going to have a pad a paper beside me so I can write these things down to do at another time! Hope you are living in your awesome today!

The awesome father of Subway

So last week I got the very rare opportunity to meet Fred DeLuca the founder of Subway. It was way awesome to learn about the history of a place that me and my family often go to. When I started on my healthy journey I switched out our pizza nights to Subway nights instead AND imagine my delight when they built one right behind my house!! OH YEAH!! Fred started Subway in 1965, he got a $1000 loan from a family friend and built the first shop in Newfoundland. He had started construction on the building when the city came along asking for his permit, "What permit?!" he asked...he didn't know you needed one to build! LOL!!...so he went done to City Hall and asked for a permit. When asked for his plans for the building, "What plans?" was his reply....so he sat out front and drew up the plan for the shop went in and they gave him a permit!!! WOW! I also learned that although Subway came to Canada after McDonalds, Subway has more stores then them! Huh! I asked why he made the store set up the way it is with it all open right there in front of you. It was explained that he wanted to show that there was nothing to hide, all the fresh food was out there in front of you. Your sandwich was made the way you like it in front of you...awesome, I like that. I was also so impressed to hear how happy the employees were, from the front line workers to the shop owners to people who over see the shop owners. Fred seems to have really built a 'Subway family', their success is his success so he is heavily invested in them and provides support for them in all areas of the business. Right from the start they are provided an intense Franchise 'training'. Fred also keeps the Franchise cost low so that the owners turn over a profit faster and are happy....and happy workers make good workers. I love that Fred understands the front line because he has built it literally from the ground up and on his way up he has kept that appreciation....very humble and very awesome! It almost makes ME want to buy a Subway! LOL!....who knows, I'll put it on 'the list'...I am currently growing three future sandwich artistes!! LOL!!...OH! and one last thing, Fred and I have the same fav Sub...turkey!!! AWESOME!!! I hope you are living in your awesome today!

Remembering Mer......

So all through the year I often think of Meredith Hagan my very first trainer that I got when I started going outside of the house to do exercise. Her and Suzie Opie are owners of Phat Chicks and they offered a free trail class to Momstown. As soon as I saw the name I loved it!...tried the class, loved it more, ....met Meredith and Suzie, loved them and signed up right away! Meredith was a beautiful amazing person from the inside out. In my first year of healthy living (2010) I told her how I was going to do a Triathlon that Sept, "I can help you!" she said to me.....she never got the chance. On a beautiful day in April of that year Meredith was out on Kings Rd on her road bike training for the full Ironman she planned to do when she was 40 (she was currently 36) she hit a strange spot on the road flew off her bike and into an on coming car.....Meredith died the next day from the injuries....I still cry when I have to type this. Although I have known Meredith longer in death then I have in life her presents in my life for those brief 6 months has impacted me SO greatly and the fire that she helped light still burns strongly inside me today. She loved being active and feeling awesome, she loved helping others to be active and feel awesome. Still daily I often bring Meredith with me as I head out for a race or go help a client or friend....I think to myself, "Mer would have liked this" or "Mer would be proud of this"...or "This would have made Mer smile"....I am unable to look at her picture everyday but I have it on my dresser upside down and every once and awhile I turn it over and look at her and remember...... I have my pink ribbon ready to be tied on my new bike, I use that pink ribbon as my way of bringing her 'with me' when I'm out there. She use to always wear a pink head band in her hair....but it's not just her that I am bringing, it's her friend and partner Suzie Opie too. Those two together were a force of awesome I tell ya! I felt so empowered to do the imposable workouts they put in front of me. Many times they would explain the workout and we would look at them like WTF!!! and they would smile and say, "You can do this!..it's going to awesome!"...and guess what...I did do it and it WAS awesome! They believed in me before I could believe in myself.....it's that feeling of empowerment and confidence that the pink 'Mer' ribbon represents to me. Just yesterday I got to dress up and head down to Toronto to meet Fred DeLuca the founder of Subway (which I'll tell you about in another blog!!) I put on the 'Meredith' bracelet that her sister had made. It has the beautiful jewels and her tattoo that she had on her which represents 'double happiness' as I put it on I felt like I was bring Meredith with me, "Meredith would think this is awesome" were my thoughts. So now I am heading into the weekend of her race, it is this Sat and you can register all the way up until the day. It's a really fun run and a great route on the trails of Mountsburg. It's called the Inspiration run, they have it around her birthday every year. I will hopefully be doing the 5k walk this year. I feel like I will be able to do it and I am excited that it will be my first race after recovering from the medical issue from having the baby. I plan to do it but know that if I have to stop at some point or can't finish it's ok....at least I am trying...and that wold make Meredith smile....she had a beautiful smile.... I hope you are living in YOUR awesome today! xo

Lights, camera....awesome!!!!

So just as a follow up on the story about Scott from Rock & Road Cycle....CHCH News came out to interview me on it, then they went over to Scott's shop to interview him about it. He's such a sweet man that you can see at the end part of his interview he got all teary eyed! Just makes me want to go and hug the guy really!........knowing that I can trust the 'man' behind the counter means a lot to me when I have to intrust my safety and money in what he is telling me I need and what I need to spend means a lot these days....it's not all about the bottom line for him. He loves to bike and just wants to help other do it too :) Here is the clip from CHCH News tonight!

Confessions of a BFing sweet tooth MONSTER!!!

Ok I must have forgotten about this from the last two kids or maybe it was because I didn't care what I was putting in my body before, but WOW!!!!! The sweet tooth is out....of....control!! It is bothering me even more this time cause I am aware of what I am putting in my mouth and what it's made of....and yet, I can't stop myself from going to the corner store and getting a Caramilk bar and 4 sour keys!!! I got this 'craving' for jub-jubs the other day and I was like, "Ok, NO Gail they are pure crap and not going to make you feel good and you will be really thirsty after having them. So I tried eating other things that were better for me.....but 3 days later I still had them in my head.....that is how I ended up at the corner store, "eating like a teenage boy", that's how one of my other BF Mama friends puts it. So you think that would make the 'monster' happy right.....well NO it just made it MORE hungry for crap food! I even found myself thinking about going to get some McDonalds (which is not like me).....So the other night I had to stop in after Coaching to get some banana's (we are always out of banana's)...so I walk into the grocery store, tired and hungry...not good. The sweet tooth monster showed it's ugly head...however the voice of my ever expanding post baby ass won out this time!! LOL!...The voice that begged me not to eat the crap I was craving and do that to my body....so I had a delima...want to eat crap REAL bad....don't want to hurt my body with the crap. So I figured if I bought some dried fruit that would help with the 'chewy' feeling I was looking for and the natural sweet of the fruit would do it...well I then got on a roll with other yummy tasty healthy things.....I felt like I was pregnant again!! LOL!....so the picture above is what I ended up coming home with...Dried blueberries,dried fruit mix, dried mango, raisins, dries cranberries, almonds, mangos, peaches, watermelon, salmon, crab meat and the thing I originally went in for....Banana's! Man oh MAN!! I must say though the dried fruit seems to be doing the trick and they are WAY better then the jub-jub's I originally had in mind .....I call this 'damage control!' LOL!.. Hope you are living in your awesome today!

omg! Omg! OMG!!!!!!!

Ok SO! OMG!!!! I have to share cause this is totally awesome!! As I have been feeling better weekly and getting back to doing my normal things I've started thinking that I might be able to get back on the bike again and just start going up and down on my street to start building up the strength again. So the owner Scott from Rock and Road Cycle is our bike mentor for Mommy's/Babe's in Motion and he's awesome! So I took my bike to him for a tune up trusting him to do the best as I know he really cares about me and my team and our safety out there on the bikes. While I was picking up the bike Scott mentioned to me that the back tire had needed work again (which he did fix and didn't charge me for it!) and that pretty much all the stuff I do on the bike now it would be best that I get a new better bike at some point. I explain to Scott that I did realize that, but now with 3 kids and a single income home I am left doing the 'poor man triathlon' and that I am happy to make do on what I have :) So Scott GAVE ME A BIKE!!!!! WTF!! "I'd love to see you on one of our bikes" he said. I raced home that day burst into the house calling to my hubby. He thought something was wrong cause I was crying. "I'm going to get a real life BIKE!!!" I told him, then told him about what Scott was doing to help me get out there on the bike again and to have another goal to work towards. That week he ordered me a sweet ass nice and shiny Devinci bike, built it and sized me on it. It currently is hanging in my garage 'calling to me' LOL! I'm not joking I swear I hear it calling, "Gail...Gail...come on Gail lets go for a ride you are going to LOVE it!" So I am having an inner battle about this right now as I have TWO different 'voices' going on. One being the bike 'voice' calling me to get on and go and get the first time over with. The second being that nasty (not awesome) voice of fear saying, "I don't think this is a good idea...your core is still too weak....you are still too weak....do it next week" I want to cry and throw-up at the same time as I think about getting on the bike again....I know I just need to stop thinking about it and go...I know I need to just get the first time over with...I know.....I know...I know....but in the end it's not about the knowing, it's about the doing....so for now the bike just hangs there in the garage...waiting for me.... I hope you are living in YOUR awesome today!

Moon in June 2013 ~ Multi Tasking Mama!!!

So this is our 4th year running in the Moon in June Race. This is a very special race for me because it was the first race I ever did and my oldest son ever did and the kids 1K Meredith's Fun Run is named after my trainer Meredith Hagan who died while out on her bike training. So this year I was not able to run in the race but I still signed up the big kids for the 1K. My hubby was going to run the 5K by himself this year, last year we ran it together (his first race ever). But he got sick and injured at the start of the week so he couldn't. So the night was just about the kids and we had a blast. When the kids were lining up to start their race OF COURSE that was when the baby starts crying and wants to eat!!! So what do I end up doing!? I am nursing the baby (with one of my new fancy nursing tops where no one has to see anything but the baby can still eat) while sitting on the side of the road cheering on the kids racing and taking pictures!! LOL! At one point I race across the street to get a good picture on the other side and everyone was watching me...not sure if they could tell I was carrying and nursing the baby at the same time or that I was just a crazy woman running around with a baby! LOL! OH man!...but I didn't even care...I just wanted my kids to see and hear me cheering them on at the side and to get a good picture. In the end we got a few good pictures and the kids had fun, got there medals and freezes and we had another successful night as a healthy active family together. Hope you are living in YOUR awesome today!

Cooking up a storm!!

Ok so I am definitely feeling better as I am now trying out a new dinner recipe :) The baking didn't go so well! But I think the dinner did :)...now my goal is to try a new dinner each week. But really due to cost and time and my energy it adds up being more like once a month. The reason being is that the new recipes take so much prep time cause it's of course a healthy meal and a lot of fresh food in it that needs to be prepped. So how do I get that done on my own with the 3 kids you ask?!!! Like this! I sling the baby to me and prep the food while the big kids are eating their snack and prep all the food into different bowels so it's good to go when I have to cook it and I can just throw everything in...I feel like I'm on a cooking show! LOL! This is the recipe that I tried out tonight ** I used Quinoa instead of couscous, SO much better for you ** So of course things never go as planned around here. As I was cooking this up it smelled SO good and yummy and it tasted really good to. However I am the only one that is able to tell you that and you will just have to take my word on it!....My hubby who is NEVER sick came home tonight throwing up...ewww...as he went up stairs to the bathroom he asked me to turn on the stove fan cause the food smell was making him feel sicker! LOL!!!...well then. Poor guy didn't have a chance to eat it. But I loved it and will be making it again :) Hope you are living in your awesome today!

The summer clothes swap!

Ok so I finally switched over my own clothes today to the summer ones. I had done all 3 kids but didn't get to mine yet so I pretty much have been wearing the same 3 outfits! LOL! It was an interesting experience with this post baby body...I'm in a new place once again. I am not obese like I was 3yrs ago and I'm not fit like I was 1 yr ago and I'm not pregnant like I was 3 months ago. I had a bit of the same experiences and a few new ones. First of all, the all to familiar feeling of trying on some pants that I am too big for and before I even get them half way up my thigh they are too tight and I know that I am not going to fit them! LOL! Now at least I have learned my lesson over the years to NOT keep trying to pull those pants up and fit them around my 'to big for these pants' ass and then try and do them up because...just maybe... if I can get them done up... they will fit!....yeah know! Next with the tops, some I could get over my head but they got stuck on these breast feeding milk jugs. I remember that when I was big. One time I got stuck in a top in the change room. I got the top over the boobs put I couldn't get them back up as I tried to take it off...took me about 15min to get out of THAT top and I was sweating after!! LOL!.....Now the new experiences that I had was that some of the clothes did fit me.. WOW! That made me feel a bit better about this marshmallow post baby body. So the good news is that I will have clothes to wear this summer :D...and it was actually kinda fun seeing all my old tops that say, "Awesome" and "I tried being good but I got bored" again and the one that says, "Punish me" made me laugh. Just another thing to help me reach my goal of getting to a healthier weight and being able to wear them again. For now they are packed back in the closet waiting......

Subway Queen!!

So I went to this totally awesome event yesterday at Subway. It was just so ment to be as I LOVE Subway and eat there often. It's one of the switches that my family made too, instead of having a pizza night, the family now walks down to the Subway by our house. The staff there knows us and our orders LOL! It's our 'Cheers'...when I was unable to go out and was recovering from all the medical issue after having the baby. My hubby went to get us a Sub for lunch one day and the new girl heard the wrong meat (ham) and when he got to the cash the guy there who knows us said, "Sir are you sure this is right? She always gets turkey" how awesome is that!!! So I wrote into the Subway head office to let them know how awesome that staff is at that location. The event I went to yesterday was at a Subway and they were introducing us to two new toppings. Spinach and avocado, both I of which I eat and love. But what I also like about that is that those foods are able to be fresh. There's nothing that needs to be done to spinach and I even asked about what was 'in'the avocado spread. The Executive Chef of Subway was there and explained to me in great detail how they made and kept fresh the avocado spread. So without going into the dry details of it, I'll just say that I was very happy with the answer and it tasted good AND I will be putting it on my sub from now on.......and NO they are not paying me to say that! LOL!...and NO this blog post is not sponsored by Subway. I'm just a big Subway fan and want others to pick a fresh alternative to eat while out there! It was pretty fun as we got to go behind the counter this time and make our own Sub and then we named our Sub...mine was the Awesome Turkey rainbow LOL!....I was then set home with a way cute goodie basket of stuff...some avocado's,spinach seeds, t-shirt, gift card to Subway AWESOME!!! Hope you are living in your awesome today!!!

Healthy baking.....WIN! & FAIL!!!

Ok so! As I work to get myself back on track by doing my physio on Monday, having a rest day yesterday so I could use my energy to go Coach in the evening. I also realize that I need to focus on the food part too. More so this nasty sweet tooth that I seem to have right now because of the fact that I am nursing.....everyday right after I eat a yummy healthy lunch it shows it face! So I went on the search for something that would help satisfy that sweet tooth while not doing too much damage to my body. I came up with two things that my 4yr helped me make. The first was Chocolate Chip Cookies made with chickpeas. I know! I know! sounds gross eh? but they were good! and I don't mean, good in a 'it's good for healthy food' kinda way. I went out and tested it on the neighbourhood kids asking them to honesty tell me if they worked out or not because I don't bake much and wanted to see it they are ok. I even said I wouldn't take offence if they had anything bad to say about them. They all said they loved them!....then one of the Moms asked me what was in them, I whispered to her "Just wait for them to go away and then I'll tell you!" LOL! They got eaten up so fast I wasn't able to get a picture! So here is the VERY easy and simple recipe: In a food processor combine, 1 1/4cup chickpeas (well rinsed and patted dry), 2tsp vanilla extract, 1/2cup + 2tbsp Natural peanut butter (I used Almond butter), 1/4cup honey, 1tsp baking powder. Blend until smooth then add in 1/2cup chocolate chips and plus. Bake 350 for 15min ** They taste best after being in the fridge overnight** So here is my fail LOL! The next day I did brownies made with Black Beans. They smelled so good baking and truthfully they taste fine when you eat them...that is after you struggle to get them out of the pan!! LOL!!...They won't come out! and when you pry them out they fall apart and crumble....so I'm no baker so I have no idea why this is happening or how to fix it. But my husband thought to put them in the fridge to help them get hard and cool then maybe they will come out. Well I came down this morning to find the whole tray in the freezer! LOL! (that's what the picture above is) I guess the fridge didn't work and we are now going to freeze them out HA HA HA!! So I'll take a picture once we get them out of the pan!....guess that's what you call a baking FAIL!!! But at least I'm back to doing things and having some laughs along the way right?! Hope you are living in YOUR awesome today!

Awesome!.......not so much.

Someone once said to me, "So everyday is awesome for you?!"......my answer was, "No, not everyday. But each day is what you make it" So these days I am struggling with living the reality of my situation of not even being able to do normal life things, never mind trying to get active again. The process is going very slow and I am getting frustrated with it and my patience and positive outlook seems to be wearing out. I'm writing this blog after spending a day on the couch because my body (feet, knees, hips and back) were so sore I couldn't fall asleep until after 2am last night. I woke up this morning and my husband had to get me Advil, I was just able to get out, "I over did it, and I am so sore. I'm sorry hun but you are on your own today" before I fell back into the pillow asleep. That ment that I missed out on a day with my family as they went to the in-laws farm, and instead had to lay here on the couch all day by myself resting. I know that normally that's a dream day for a mother, having the house to yourself and not have to care for the kids. But when you are forced to do it.....not so fun. Recently I have seen a shift in my thoughts, attitude and actions and it's not in the direction of anything awesome. Although I love going out each Tues night and Coaching the Mommy's/Babe's in Motion team I found myself feeling a little down that I can't do what they are doing or that I can't get out to meet other people for walks and I'm feeling a bit lonely because of it. It's no one else's fault because everyone is so supportive and encouraging, it's just my attitude about things right now....I feel left behind since I have to stay behind while others go out and do what I so desperately want to do right now. For the last 2 weeks I also haven't been doing my physio exercises, another reason why the process has become slower (my own fault I know). I have done what many do, I have let other things like work, kids, home get in the way of me taking proper care of myself and the end results is a day like this where I am truly 'left behind' don't get to be with my family and have to spend the day alone and lonely....funny how we spin our own patterns like that yeah!? So although I know what I should be doing and I see all the things I am doing wrong I am still human and it doesn't always go 'awesome'. However, after having a day to reflect and not liking where I have ended up I have a plan and I will write it out here in order to commit to it. I will go back to doing the physio daily I have 3 chance in the day to get this done, in the morning while the baby sleeps, in the afternoon while the baby sleeps and before the big boys get home and in the evening when hubby is home. So I WILL in the day pick one of theses times to stop and do my physio. I will also call a trainer that I know who works with Pre and Post natal woman to come out in a few weeks (I'll set a date) to show me what the next step in exercise is for me to do. I don't know about this and she does and I want to make sure that I will do it right. This will help me to keep doing the physio daily in order to be stronger and ready to move to the next step of building back up. The good news is that the pity party hasn't lasted long and the awesome news is that I feel my days will be going back to being awesome again as I will be making the most of them :) Hope you are living in YOUR Awesome today! :)

Star struck!?

Ok so I guess I wouldn't really say that I was star struck but it was defiantly cool to go from seeing Jillian Michaels on TV to seeing her in real life. She has been a big part of my journey and she doesn't even know it. It was her and Bob that I was watching on the Biggest Loser that night I decided to slide off the couch and start getting in motion by doing sit ups. It was her voice I would hear yelling at the contestants on the show as I did my workout right along with them. It's her Podcasts that I listen to as I would go for a run. I like her! I like that she use to be big too and found the path of healthy living and I like that she gets there is more to weight loss and healthy living then just food and exercise....there is a matter of the brain as well :) Her show was 3hrs long with a 15min break and the 3hrs flew by because she was very fun and easy to listen too. She gave information on calorie in take and best exercise practises along with talking about your inner self and how you process things, if it's a positive way that helps you do it or if you need to change things up in order to 'Maximize Your Life' What I found most awesome about this experience is that I knew a lot of the stuff that she was talking about. I had either learned it or experienced it myself. So although I did learn a few new interesting things what I learned most is that I am on the right path and I'm doing well and that was awesome! So they are sneaky at the show because I tried to get a picture of Jillian on the stage but because she had a spot light on her, she just ended up looking like a glowing figure in the pictures LOL!, So this is the best picture I could get of her! Oh well! At one point I will meet her in person and then THAT will be an awesome picture!! LOL!

Getting back to awesome...and it feels GOOD!!!

So this last week has been SO great! Things have been improving daily like it should have done from the start and it feels SO good!.....I thought that doing the exercises to pull the scar tissue apart inside of me was going to be just as bad as the pain I felt 2 weekends ago...but (knock on wood) it seems that, that was the worst of it! I have been a little sore by the end of the day and feel a little pulling and sharp 'tweek' here and there. But NOTHING like the first big one so, WOOO HOO!!!! So on Sat morning at 5:30am I couldn't go back to sleep after I fed the baby and I was laying there listening to my house of boys snoring away...even the dog snores! LOL! And I thought, "I'm going for a walk!" So I quietly got on my workout clothes. Stuffed my breastfeeding boobs into my Lulu top and off I went.....It was amazing! It was so quite and the air was so fresh...gosh I had missed this SO much! I almost felt like the morning was saying to me, "HI! There you are! I've been waiting for you!" I wasn't even to the end of my street and I started to cry....a good cry....a grateful cry...a happy cry and a cry of relief!....I walked for 29min and did 2.3k in that time. I felt really good about that and know now that, that is my base line of the official start of my training. AND I figure if I'm doing that now then in 3 months I will be good to go to do the 2.5k distance in the Try-Tri race in Sept.....and when I realized that and thought about crossing the finish line, I started to cry again.......so it felt so great to get some of my 'normal' back, cause that's what I use to do before... sneak out of the house on the weekend while everyone was sleeping and go for a run...only right now it's a walk :) AND!!!!! I'm SO pumped for tonight as I am going to see Jillian Michael's in Hamilton talk. This is MAJOR for me since I started this whole journey while watching the Biggest Loser and hearing her straight forwardness and words of encouragement on the screen, I also listen to her pod casts on my runs/walks....I had got the ticket a few weeks back and wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it, as I wasn't even able to sit on my own for more then 30min at that point....but it was just another good goal to work towards to do what I have to so that I would be able to go...so I'm going tonight and I have a feeling it's going to be AWESOME!!!!!!

This is going to be......interesting!

Ok SO! The journey continues! My husband ended up having to call an ambulance this weekend to help me get to the hospital because I was now having pain in a different spot and new hot burning pain so bad that it was shooting down my leg and I was in pain no matter if I sat/stood or laid down....not fun!...after many tests and 3 different doctors checking me out (one being my family doctor) we have found out this.....I not only had a c-section when I had Landon but I also got my tubes tied so there was a lot more going on in there this time and a lot more to heal...which means a lot more scar tissue. The problem started when I got the bad sinus infection right after I had him and had to lay/sit and get better. So that means that all the scar tissue healed with me all crunched forward. Now that I am starting to move around more it is all ripping apart...hence the hot burning pain...oh joy!....Since the physio therapist came on Thurs and I started doing some new movement it has started the process that needs to happen of ripping it apart from where it has healed so that I can move around properly now. That is why the next day after the physio I had the new pain and in a different spot. So it seems my journey will now entail me doing the physio exercises to get things moving then enduring the pain it will cause to rip/pull the scar tissue back into a better spot.... I'm not going to lie I kinda feel like crying just thinking about it cause the pain this weekend was so bad and I am so wiped out from it that I am still recovering from it.....but I guess like everything else I'll just have to take it one day at movement at a time :)

H.O.P.E.

I once heard a great break down of the word hope....Hold On Pain Ends...that's how I feel today :) The Physio Therapist came to my house this morning as I am still not able to get out on my own with the baby yet. She assessed my whole body and as she was doing that she kept saying, "Ya wow that's weak"...now I know that my body has taking a beating over these past few months and that I am not at my pre-baby strength, but it was just a bit of a downer to hear another professional confirm it for me :( However as we went on she was telling me all the different type of physio exercises that I can start doing and I started to feel excited. Excited because I was consulting with some one who knows this stuff better then me and she was finally presenting me with some more solutions to getting better. I just have basic knowledge with my personal experience and professional training. So it was really great to learn some more things from a specialist. Plus I was totally able to understand the exercise she was telling me about and how to increase them over time. So once again I will be at home with myself in my head as my own trainer making it happen...just like when I first started this whole thing 3yrs ago! Today was also the first day that I started to feel a little down and frustrated about where I'm at and how slowly things are coming along. But after she left and I had a list of the exercises to do, I was in the kitchen getting lunch ready thinking about how I was going to make the time to get in all the exercises that I need to do. I then started crying, because I felt hope....I just knew that there WAS going to be an end to this and I WAS going to get better and better from here. AND I finally felt like I WILL be crossing that finish line in Sept for the Try-Tri distance at Kelso!!...before today, I hadn't been so sure. I texted Nancy our Mommy's/Babe's Head Coach after I wiped the tears away, " I feel more confidant about building this body up properly now. I'm going to cross that finish line in Sept...It's going to happen!" So here are my goals for this summer: 1. Do my physio exercise daily and through my day 2. add in walk before I get the big kids at the bus at 3pm 3. Walk the 1k Meredith Hagan Kids Fun run, Moon in June with the baby and my 4yr 4. Do the Meredith Hagan Insperation 5k trail walk (that would make her very happy) 5. Do the Try-Tri distance in Sept at Kelso 6. Do the 5k Island girl race at the end of Sept (walking or jogging...where ever I am at, at that point) Ok I told you all so now I HAVE to do it! LOL! 'Live in YOUR Awesome!'

Going to rehab!

Ok SO the journey to a strong body...here we go! Now this is where I am currently starting off...I can't go out of the house for very long and I can't sit by myself in a chair for more then 30min right now without starting to shake, sweat and feel like I'm going to throw-up...it's just too much on my body right now. So when I say a strong body I am not talking about lifting some weights or going for a run, I'm trying to get back to doing daily life things...like standing in the kitchen for more then 10min or sitting on my own for longer then 30min etc. So, like I said before, I am SO grateful that building a strong body is my job and I enjoy learning about it :).....So I am rehabbing myself! I am currently daily doing either full body physio OR going on what I like to call a 'field trip' which is just a trip outside of the house. My full body physio includes such moves as this in order to build up my back from laying on the couch/lazy boy for 5 weeks. I then do quad/calf stretches and arm stretches and every 2nd day I add in 4 sets of going up and down my stairs.(just doing that, I am out of breath and sweating) Now I know this doesn't sound like my normal 5k run to warm up and then my hour hardcore cross-training workouts I use to do, but this is where my body is at right now and believe it or not, I am ok with this. People keep saying to me how hard it must be for me to only be able to do so little. But I am not finding it very hard because A) I am just happy to be here! and B) I have already gone on this journey when I started this whole journey to health while weighting over 250lbs. It was hard and it didn't always feel good, but I stuck too it and things got better and I got stronger....so this is my plan this time around and I must say that I'm really thankful that I am not going through it alone. All your support, e-mails, Facebook messages, texts and visits have really helped me live in my awesome and not feel alone as I go along this new journey!...THANK YOU!!! AND I REALLY hope that you are all living in your awesome too! xoxo <3

The GOOD, the BAD and the AWESOME!

Just a warning ahead of time that this post is very detailed and may be disturbing to some people. No I'm not being funny I just want to prepare you ahead of time :) Ok so where to start!?....I guess where I left off eh! Lets start with the GOOD ~ So I was pregnant with my 3rd child and feeling awesome! I was still out almost everyday even into my 8th month where the only type of exercise I could do and get out to do was walking. I would leave 10-15min early to get the two boys at the bus and walk up and down the street. Everything was going fine until 2 weeks before he came......now for the BAD ~ I started feeling that things were not right, mostly mentally. I know they talk about prego brain but it was starting to effect how I was able to take care of myself and my children. At my doctors visits I noticed that I kept dropping in weight, something I knew was not right OR good since I should have been gaining half a pound to a pound a week at the end there. I would sit for 2hrs at a time in my home looking out the window not talking, no TV on nothing through the day on my own in silence (totally NOT like me!). Then I would get so tired I would 'crash' and go sleep for like 3hrs...so that's 5hrs and I hadn't remembered to eat or take some water and who knows how long before that I had done it. I started getting worried that I would forget the kids at the bus so I had to ask friends and family to come at 3pm and give the kids snack and be there until my husband got home...it was just becoming too much of a safety issue!! What was happening was that I had developed Post-partum Depression...I had NO idea that you could get this before the baby came! Now as a teenager I had delt with depression and therefore knew where this road lead too (an experience which would now safe me and the baby's life!) I could just feel this 'fog' coming over me and I was in the background yelling to get out, but the fog was getting thicker and I was getting weaker to fight it. It all came to a head in my 37th week where on the Mon I had said to the doctors and my husband and family that although I am sitting in the chair out of it and crying and not myself I am NOT thinking about hurting me or the baby.......then on Thurs night I didn't recognize the feeling (cause it was to random and I didn't get this with my other two kids) but I started having contractions, which would wake me up at night. Now the only thing thru all this that was helping me JUST keep my head above water was that I slept like a rock at night and during my naps during the day....now that was gone :/........So on the Fri night I was up and pacing around the house while everyone was sleeping and the 'voices/chatter/noise' in my head was getting really loud and I just wanted to pull my hair out and scream. Then a little voice of reason said, "Well no you can't do that you'll wake up everyone!".....that's when I realized that the voice of reason was getting weaker and I questioned myself how much longer I was going to be able to 'fight' against this. My c-section was set for that Thurs, however on the next morning (Sat) I said to my husband that I understood why women would step in front of a train to make this end, "REALLY!" was his surprised answer, which caught my attention and that's when I realized things were NOT going in the right direction. I had gone from, "I'm not thinking of hurting myself" to "I understand why some one would end it!" NOT COOL!!!....Sun morning I woke up with a pain on my side that went away pretty fast (another contraction, but I still didn't realize it) I was trying to talk myself into making it to Thurs when the 'baby date' was set but I couldn't even think of going through another night let alone 3 more days. At this point I was now into my 38th week. So after talking with my hubby we packed my bag and went to the hospital, I was NOT going to leave until they helped me and I felt that taking the baby out was going to do that. I prayed all the way there that I could find the words to explain to them what was going on with me and asked God for the energy and brain power to get through this as I knew it was going to take a lot of energy I wasn't sure I had. When I got there I right away started telling the nurse JUST what was going on. I was not embarrassed to sound 'crazy' at all I had to fight for me, my kids and this baby. I had the Crisis Nurse in tears as I said to her, "Listen I know I am speaking well and asking for help and it LOOKS like I am dealing with this well, but I'm telling you it's not heading in the right direction! YOU NEED TO HELP ME!I have an awesome husband, 2 amazing kids and amazing life and I am NOT willing to check out on them mentally OR physically right now and I can't guarantee I won't do that right now. YOU NEED TO HELP ME!!!!"......ok now for the AWESOME~ They were looking at putting me in the Physic ward to keep me and the baby safe until the Thurs because they wanted to keep the baby in for as long as they can, but 2 miracle's happened. 1. It just happened that my family doctor happen to be in the hospital seeing another patient....when I heard that I kid you not I felt Gods hand on my left shoulder and something say to me, "It's going to be ok, you did the leg work to get here I'll take it form here"..I knew that my doctor would help and advocate for us and that's just what she did. The second miracle was that as I got up to go to the bathroom I felt one of those 'pains' again I paused for a moment and the nurse asked if I was ok. I said it was ok, just the baby moving and hurting me (which is what I had thought those pains were) "Really!!" was her surprised reaction...which caught my attention again. Then I started putting things together. I asked them to hook me up to the monitor and 10min later it was confirmed that I was having contractions and because I am high risk for a natural birth they were now going to have to do the c-section that day, "THAT'S THE BEST FUCKING NEWS I HAVE HEARD IN 2 WEEKS!!!!" I said to the nurse! LOL! (sorry for the F bomb but trust me it was fitting)......So it's funny cause the number 3 has always been my lucky number and because this all happened and the baby came early I ended up having my 3rd son,on the 3rd day of March (the third month) 2013!!!! His birthdate is 03/03/13! Crazy eh!! To help me get some sleep and for them to keep an eye on my because they were not sure if I would be ok after I had the baby they took him to the nursery for the night. I tell you I opened my eyes the next morning ME!! I was back! The fog was 100% gone! I even thought to myself, "I'm back! Oh thank God, I missed me, I like me!!" LOL! So here I am happy and well with my sweet 7lb 10oz Landon Van Awesome Ok SO lets start that all over again.....first the GOOD ~ I had him on the Sun evening and on Wed afternoon we were sent home after the doctors and Pyshic doctor all approved it....I knew I would be fine mentally after the baby was out and I was right (thank goodness!)......So here I am on the Fri with Landon in the sling for the first time. The weather was beautiful that day and the big kids were biking out front so I took some time to get some fresh air and exercise and walk up and down in front of our house. Physically and mentally I was feeling SO great and excited about my family's future......Now for the BAD ~ That weekend I ended up getting a sinus infection it hit me so hard AND I had a new born that I didn't get myself to the walk in for antibiotics (plus I'm not one to get sick too much and didn't really know how bad this could be/get) after a really sucky week of having to lay around and get better I started feeling like it was going away...on the Fri I even went out grocery shopping with the baby just to get out for a short while. Then on the Sat night I woke up and could feel strep throat coming on (I know that feeling cause I have had it a few times) "NO NO NO forget this, I'm going to the walk in for some Meds!" I told hubby so I left him with the 3 kids (which he handled just fine and that is why he is Mr. Van Awesome!) My Mom took me to the walk-in and I got the meds in me that day.....by the Mon evening I was feeling better and even took my oldest to his Beaver group just so get a chance to get out of the house.....Tues morning (4 weeks after having Landon) hubby got the big kids off to school and left for work. I sat up to nurse the baby and noticed that I was sore on the left side of my abdomen on the inside and I felt like I had a fever. As I sat there feeding him I could feel blood starting to pour out of my vagina, A LOT of it!...so I put the baby down and went to the toilet where I saw that was coming out like water, "Oh this can't be good!" I thought. My Mom just happen to call and check in with me and I told her what was going on. She was heading into Toronto for an appointment but turned right around and came to help me...which was good cause I was just trying to figure out what I should do and had thought of calling 911 for some help. My Mom took care of the baby and drove us both to my family doctor...where my doctor tried to see what was going on with the specula but there was too much blood. As she took it out of me she had to hold her hand under it as the blood poured off of it as she brought it to the sink. She then had to use her fingers to see if she could feel what was wrong. I laid on the bed screaming and crying in pain as she tried to do that and the only thing that came from that was that it hurt for her to touch the most on the left side where I was sore. She wanted a some more advice as to what could be wrong so she sent me to the GYNO that I had been seeing. Now I'm not going to say his name because I think I caught him on a bad day or something because he was so great when I used him for my last 2 kids, and I will be writing a letter into him in hopes that he won't do this to another woman.......At this point the pain inside is getting worse, I have to sit leaning to the right side and can't walk very well so I was laying on the exam bed when he came in the room. "How's it going?" he asked. "Yeah not good!" I said....he looked at my file and asked how the antidepressants were going. I let him know that the PPD was no longer an issue, I didn't take any and all that has cleared up now. He then asked if I was breast feeding, I explained that I was and that NO the blood was not period blood. He then went on to ask me why my family doctor had not set up an ultra sound or called to talk to him instead of his secretary. All I could reply was, "I don't know"....he didn't examine me at all, he didn't even touch me or take my temperature!! I was suggesting things to him that it might be and his only response was, "Well I don't know, I'll have to set up an ultra sound"....so my Mom was packing up the baby and we were getting ready to leave when his secretary handed us the paper and said, "Ok I set up your ultra sound appointment for tomorrow at 2:30pm" WAIT! WTF!!!! My Mom and I just stared at her while I had a vision of me laying in bed at home bleeding out, shivering with fever and whatever was going on inside was getting worse and dying on my family at home in our bed. NO WAY!!!! I called the doctor out of the other exam room he was in and said, "Ok the only way that I can get an ultra sound right now is to go to emerg right?!"...."Well yeah" He said.....so off we went to Emerg. When they heard what my symptoms were I didn't wait more then 5min in the waiting room. They had me in, tested and ultra sounded. It turns out that I had a blood clot and infection on my uterus wall and if I hadn't been on the antibiotics from 2 days ago for the strep it would have been life threatening!!! Wholly shit!! That's just a little too close for comfort! That week I stayed on the meds but they were not helping, I still had the fever and I couldn't get off the couch, I wasn't getting better. So the next week I was put on a strong med which started helping me, but on day 4 I woke up having an allergic reaction to the meds!! REALLY! REALLY!!! I was starting to not feel so positive about things at this point and this whole thing was really starting to take it's toll on me emotionally as I am NOT the type of person were crappy thing after crappy thing keeps happening....so I had to stop them and I was back at the doctors the next day.....her suggested course of treatment from that day is working and from that day on the major medical issues have stopped happening so that's really refreshing!......Ok now for the AWESOME ~ First I just want to say that Landon (baby awesome) has been fine through all this. He was born at 7lbs 10oz and on his 1mth check up he weight in at 10lb 13oz so the child is growing! He has been a shining light for me to cuddle and hold as I have been laying on the couch/bed/lazy boy through all of this. Next, for the last, now going on 8 weeks amazing family and friends that heard about what was happening have been coming to help us. They have been coming to take care of the big kids, bringing them gifts and craft things to keep them busy, taking them for play dates and staying into the evening when hubby had to work late to give them a bath and put them to bed. They have been helping me. Some morning I had to text for help to just get out of bed in the morning and within that hour they were at my house helping me and taking care of me and the baby. They have been bringing food and groceries and snacks and meals to us...I just can't believe it!...and they are STILL doing it!!...A Moms group that I'm apart of on Facebook set up a meal train for us at mealtrain.com where people sign up each day to they will be bringing you a meal and what it will be!!...I never knew there was such a thing! Some of these woman I have never met face to face and only know through seeing their name on Facebook! The kindness is over whelming....at one point I answered the door and there stood a lady who introduced herself as Kelly. She then said, "Hi! I don't cook but I know that you are healthy so I brought you this fruit try" WHAT!!! OMG!! How amazing was that!, and how did she know I am healthy??!.....It has been a very strange experience for me to hand over my home and children to other people to care for 100%...I had no choice I couldn't do it. I simply sat in awe on the lazy boy chair while these woman and men came into my home,did my dishes my laundry and other chores and ran errands for me...I couldn't believe this was happening and I was SO over whelming grateful for it as they were helping me take care of the most priceless things in my life when I couldn't..my family......And my husband is so grateful for the help too as he has been burning the candle at both ends with trying to go to work, take care of me, take care of the baby the bigs kids and the house...the poor man is So tired and he doesn't stop trying to do it all xo <3. So I know it has been a long story and I thank you for reading to the end. I do have to say that I am really thankful to have goon through all this. I know that sounds strange but it has only made me and my family better for it. Allowing all this love and support into our lives and accepting it has been an amazing experience. This has changed me on the inside for the better and I pray often to God that moving forward I stay open to the love and support that people want to give me, because I have learned that it becomes a win win situation and all parties involved walk away from it better for it and feeling more connected to each other... So in the end we all get to live in our awesome together! xo <3

We came full circle!

Ok so I know I am behind in staying up to date with this Blog, but I've been a little busy....to say the least! As you know I first started my 'Fan page' because I was going to the casting call for the Marilyn Denis show. They were looking for people who had a 'passion' for something, so I decided that I would try out and go tell my story. They required you to make a demo tape to bring with you. So I made my demo tape (you can watch it here) and then I posted it on the Fan Page I created in order to get some support......well my friends all I have to say is follow your dreams/goals/hopes no matter what because this is how we came full circle..... - I posted my demo video on Facebook - Other Woman saw it and started e-mailing me asking for help in starting their own journey to healthy living - I got certified as a personal trainer in order to learn more personally, this then helped me out professionally as well - I then started my own One-on-one Personal Training Business called Bring out YOUR Awesome - While learning about how to own my own business I found Tweeter - In 2 weeks of being on Tweeter I met Sam who has her own Business training pregnant woman and post-partum woman - We stayed in contact for 2yrs through Facebook here and there - Then one day I saw that she posted she was looking to interview someone for TV about their personal journey to a healthy lifestyle. -I responded to the post saying I could do it if she wanted, what was it for and when? - She replied back that it was the next week and it was as a guest in the audience for the Marilyn Denis show!!!!!! WTF!!!! Are you kidding me!! That was all ment to be in a really strange way. I had put the idea of being on the show as something that wasn't going to happen but have always been grateful for what did all come out of it. With meeting all the people who asked me for help and starting on a new career path that I totally LOVE! Being on the show was totally awesome! It wasn't the way I thought it would happen that's for sure! LOL!...I had more in mind being on the show healthy and fit and looking normal...instead I was on there healthy, fit and huge pregnant!! I gave birth 2 weeks after the show aired! LOL!.....but I must say, although my body might not have been small anymore I was still very healthy and getting the rewards of it. I took the train down to T.O and then walked my 8 1/2 month preggo ass from Union Station to her studio in a fancy pair'o boots with no issue....it was almost 2k each way!!! Who does that! LOL!!